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So it was my third day at work today. Figured I'd write a little bit about my job and what it is that I do and will be doing, but I'll do that a bit later.
Right now I just wanted to let you in on some statistics ;) Because statistics is what I've been working on today. More specifically working on finding statistics matching a wide variety of topics, for example any official statistics related to asbestos.
Amongst the findings I made (not connected to the asbestos-case) was that I am now officially part of the 29,2 per cent of female employees with a short (under and including four years) university or college education employed in Sør-Trøndelag, one of the 19 counties in Norway. Strangely enough, I find that knowing these kinds of things are sort of entertaining (in other words, it usually doesn't take much to entertain me, lol).
Got a surprise visit at work from Cecilie and a friend of hers as well, which was nice :) That in addition to actually eating lunch with someone today instead of sitting alone in a corner munching on my dry slice of bread, made the day pretty good :) So far the best one I've had (of my three days at the new job), especially when I found the "" button on the coffee machine, lol =) Looks like I might become one of those people that need caffeine injected in the system in order to be fully operational during the day again, even though I swore I would never be that kind of person as I used to (and still do actually) see that as a sign of adulthood (which is the scariest thing I know).
There has been so much packing over the last years, I feel like I've lived in a box for the majority of my grown up (yeah yeah, everything is relative) life.
It started out with packing only two bags for an entire year when I went to Oregon. Then when it was time to leave for Norway again, I had to pack my two overstuffed bags, my skiis, my ski bag (which was full of socks and underwear as well), my mum's extra bag full of my stuff, my carry on bag, and my carry on backpack, in addition to packing the five (!) cardboard boxes I shipped home by boat (that took like two freekin' months).
The following year my parents moved, from a tree storey house to a flat. That meant packing and throwing dear old stuff away. In addition to moving a looot of heavy furniture.
The I moved to go away for college. One year at first, which by now feels like such a long time to live in one place. After the first year was over, I had to pack everything up again and put it in a storage over the summer, and move it again in the fall when I found a new place to stay (due to bureaucratic nonsense that made me unable to stay in the same dorm even if I was still a student studying in the same town for another six months).
Then after six months, I had to pack everything up and take it home, as I was leaving for Australia. And now we've probably reached the most sophisticated packing I've ever done, as I was gonna backpack around 'down under' for a month and a half before staying four months in a different country, and all I had to bring was my backpack that couldn't be any bigger or heaver than that I could actually get it on my back. Puh!
Then I had to pack everything up in Australia, and once again I used my mum's extra bags for that too, in addition to once again sending two cardboard boxes home (which this time took closer to three months to get here). Then I had four rather uneventful weeks before I left for the US for a couple of weeks and then once again packed to go to Halden. Come June 2009, I was so happy when I packed all my stuff, somehow in my twisted mind imagining I would buy a car and possibly even staying at home for a while as well, which meant no moving, and if any moving was required, it'd be an easy move. Guess again. I am now once again packing, without a car, and this time even without a permanent place to stay. Just dragging stuff along, definitely not happy about the packing process of moving somewhere. Although, when I get there, I know I'll love it =D
Of course, knowing I'll only stay there for four months and then pack everything up again only in order to pack a couple of bags to go on an elongated trip to the US, definitely isn't what I'm trying to think about right now... :)
Lots of stuff has happened lately, and I went into another hiatus when it comes to this poor neglected blog. The most important reason for not updating this blog was that I went on a summer holiday with my parents to Oppdal, 500 km north of Oslo where my entire family is from.
During this summer holiday, which was supposed to last for one week but turned into three weeks, I had very limited access to the Internet, if any (on a good day), and in addition, that poor computer was bothered and fought over by the entire family + relatives + visitors + friends + everyone else around... I gotta admit, I had some serious withdrawal syndroms there for a while, but they receded quickly as there were other things to worry about. My grandmother got sick. Suddenly. And suddenly very sick. And three weeks later she was gone. Not the best summer holiday I've had, but I was glad I was there, stuck in a small mountain village almost in the middle of nowhere, instead of being on the other side of the earth. At least I got to be there, and say a proper goodbye.
A goodbye which was hard. Of course. And yet harder than anything I can imagine I've gone through before. It might take awhile. Rest in peace, bestemor Stølen! And say hi to bestefar Stølen from me :)
And then life took an up-turn for once. I got a job! It's only a temporary position going 'til the end of 2009, but this fits even better with my plans, so I'm a happy camper =) I get to save up some money, get valuable relevant work experience, and I've got time to travel away all the money afterwards! The only thing is, the position is in Trondheim. So I got the news that I got the job Wednesday. Today, Thursday, I went to get my contract and book a flight. Friday I'll celebrate with friends and family. Saturday I'll pack. Sunday I'll leave. And Monday I start my first, new job! Ain't that something, hey?
I can't believe I'm repeating myself...
But I am. To those of you that haven't heard this before, I now seriously, and for this time - very much so, have decided to consider personal characteristics more closely. Characteristics like honesty, loyalty, belief, sincerity and determination. And more to follow to that list, if you have suggestions :)
For the (as we say in Norway) n'th time in my life, I have discovered that people I thought were friends of mine, people I could trust and that I would help to the best of my ability in the worst situations - aren't worth my time at all.
People I thought were my friends, or connections I could trust in some way or another, have proven time over and time again, to not being able to speak the truth. These people are apparently not able to communicate their true, inner emotions because of what they believe the surroundings want to hear.
These people can't seem to be able to speak the truth as it is, no matter what it is. Apparently they must believe I am some kind of porcelain creature that can only take the same pressure as a pillow would enforce on an outside feather.
People that cannot make themselves simply say something like "This weekend is not a good time" or "I don't think we should talk or see each other anymore" (as opposed to avoiding the entire subject only to tell me they are somewhere else the same evening I so graciously asked if they would come), or "Could I please come to your party tonight" (as opposed to beating around the bush talking to all my other friends that they knew would come here), or "I can't make it, but see you later on tonight" (as opposed to not showing up at all when they said they would), or, for my oldest friend: "I'm not ready to go home yet, could you do without me, if everything else is allright?"
Unfortunately, I can't dare you readers to tell me the truth, because the few of you that have actually followed me this far, know that I'm not talking about you. The people I am talking about, doesn't even know of this blog, as far as I'm concerned. If they do, they sure don't do a hell of a lot with that knowledge, I imagine.
But as far as truth goes, I know, dead seriously, that I inhabit the habit (haha) of taking things too personally and to let things hit too close to home. I know I carelessly wear my heart on my sleeve, getting to know people too well and letting people become too big a part of me than they should be entitled to. I know I expect too much of people even before they have given me any reason to expect anything at all from them. I know I apparently am too gullible, too naïve, too friendly, to think bad things about people. I more or less always give people the benefit of the doubt, especially in situations when no doubt is ever needed - only hard cold rationality. That is a fault I think I'm gonna have to live with, and believe you me, I wish this wasn't so.
But despite being the first and foremost personal characteristic I inhabit that will cause me gray hear and heartache, I can't seem to 100% want to get rid of this. Becaue no matter how crazy it might seem, I believe that this is one of my better qualities. I know, sounds crazy, doesn't it? I just wish people wouldn't waste this characteristic of mine like they would water water in a river, or something other cheesy metaphore like that.
To make this just a tad more real, my current status on facebooks read the following: "Ingeborg Hagen er drittlei stakkarslige folk som ikke tør å si en damn shit to my face! Fortell meg hva som skjer, og jeg skjønner det. Jug og unngå meg, og jeg skjønner det rett og slett ikke! Simple!" This translates to "Ingeborg Hagen is sick and tired of pitiful people that doesn't dare to say a damn shit to my face! Tell me what's happening, and I'll understand. Lie and avoid me, and I plain and easy won't understand! Simple!"
This was written here on my blog partly for my own benefit, so my soft heart won't go back on my own words, once again. This will stand there take take the test, defy the nature of gravity, melting hearts and forgiving souls.
Those of you that feel really offended - feel offended. All you other people - don't worry =) *Specific cases in progress here*
Just closed the door on my mother's car with a paternal "Drive carefully, stop and take a break if you get tired, let me know when you get there okey", and am now officially home alone. For one week! What to do?
All suggestions accepted with a thankful nod, just please be reminded that as the unemployed previous student I am, the financial situation is not the best and I don't have a car to use now either. That kinda narrows it down, doesn't it?
Oh yeah, and let's not forgot that practically all my friends are either a) enjoying the summer in a different place in Norway far away from me, b) in a foreign country enjoying themselves with good food and lots of sunny weather, a beach nearby and nice prices on alcohol and shopping, or c) working and generally being unaccessible this summer...
Had a tiny revelation the other night.
Wednesday night I watched Cold Case on TV, as I have done many other nights before. This time, the episode was about a serial killer, a collector. He got off on watching women give up on their will to live. He would trick them into coming close to them, then drug them, take them to a different place and lock them up in a tiny room in a basement somewhere where there was no daylight and where noone would hear them scream. Then he continued to torment them by letting them watch pieces of their former life on video. See, he worked at video editing companies and chose the women based on the movies they handed in, specifically by which women had something else to live for in their life. For one woman it was her baby, for another women it was God, and was yet another woman it was the love of her life.
He simply got off on slowly watching the women lose their belief in ever returning to their world outside the dark basement he kept them in. To him, watching someone give up on life was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. So he would watch them, day by day, until he finally saw that spark disappear. Then they would die from simply giving up. He didn't kill them in any physical way, didn't touch them at all.
The detectives finally found out where the last woman was being held. She was still alive. The killer attributed her reluctance to give up on her ability to hold on to herself. Even though her lover, her fiancé, her husband-to-be, was out of her life, she still had herself to hold on to. No matter how much she loved her fiancé, she still had a reason to live for - in herself. Of course, being saved from the cell, she was happily reunited with her fiancé.
This just got me thinking. Why did those other women give up? Sure, they felt they had something different, something bigger than themselves to live for, and when that was taken away from them they had no reason to keep going. But what about themselves? Were they really so caught up in the other important parts or people in their life that they didn't think to keep alive for their own sake?
I felt so happy for that last woman. Time and time again, I get thinking every time I meet someone asking me how my love life is doing. Saying I'm single usually earns me a condescending or sympathetic look, a nod and something similar to the phrase "Well, you're still young..." or "Wait and see, your turn will come some day". Why is it that I need someone else in my life to make me happy? Isn't family, good friends, a career and hobbies enough to make a life worth living? Do I really need someone in my life that I have to care more about than myself in order to have a reason to get up every morning?
I believe the answer is no.
That being said, I do not strive to stay single for the rest of my life. It is not a goal to be independent and alone when I grow old. But in the meantime, let me have my single youth to myself! Finding someone to share the rest of my life with is not a criteria of the good life that needs to be fulfilled. For me, it is merely a bonus. It is not like a job or a nice car, where the effort I put in it will materialize into something measurable. It is all about chance, faith, karma, destiny, whatever you want to call it. Will you find that soulmate, that one out there that is meant to be the perfect match for you? Maybe, or maybe not.
Luckily, you can find some truly amazing people on the way, both in the forms of friends and lovers. And of course, taking a chance on love and friendship every now and then means you might meet someone that ends up not being worth your time. That is a risk you have to take. And I firmly believe, that some time my bad luck has to run out and then I will meet that perfect one too. I'm just not in a hurry. As long as I am doing fine deep down, let the rest be and let me enjoy life as it is.
In light of this little revelation, I have decided to make a renewed effort in my life, because of me. As L'Oreal so cheesy say it - "Because I'm worth it". I'll be as bold as to say I am worth my own effort in life. Why dedicating everything I do for someone else than me?
And with it arrived nerves in bundles!
Quick explanation: This last semester my fellow classmates and I had a three month long internship at a large company in Norway, which we would use as some sort of background for our bachelor dissertations. My internship was, as you may already know, in Innovation Norway in Oslo, a state-owned organization promoting development, internationalization and innovation for Norwegian companies. The bachelor dissertation was to be app. 10,000 words, which in my dissertation amounted to about 35 pages. So after Easter, I went back to Halden to write, and a month later the dissertation was done, printed and handed in. Phew! Now mind you, that was just half of it. Then three weeks later, we had an oral exam defending our dissertation. We'd be grilled about the theories we used, the methods we used and what we found out.
The day of the exam finally came after a night of tossing, turning and two hours of sleep from four til six o'clock. What a relief to finally get in there, do the presentation for the external examiner and our teacher and then be asked quiestions that I luckily knew the answer to. The half hour passed so quickly I honestly wondered if I had been awake the entire time.
Then it was just (!) five hours of waiting before we got the result. My dark, stressed mood from the last few days before the exam shifted into a slightly positive outlook on life, I wasn't so stressed and bummed out anymore as I felt the exam went somewhat okay. And then it turned out I did fairly good, got a B as an overall grade for that course. What a relief, to know that I had not only writted a dissertation that was good enough, but I managed to defend it properly, knew my stuff and had just graduated after three years of university! Wow!
For those of you that know me, that definitely called for a proper celebration, and I ain't one to say no to that! So a wonderful evening ensued, full of relaxed and (for the most part) happy students, good food and nice company escorted by a fair amount of alcoholic drinks, lol =)
I'm still having some trouble grasping it all, however. I am now done with Halden. For ever, if I want it to be. I don't have to take the noisy bus between Oslo and Halden sneaking it's way on windy roads making me half-sick anymore. I don't have a dorm room to escape to from parents, other students and the outside world anymore. I don't have to deal with teachers and classes and grades and overdue library books anymore. I don't have to deal with housemates or paying rent or a dirty kitchen or the forever-clogged shower anymore.
I. am. not. a. student. anymore.
Which in turn means I have to live at home until I get a job, no more privacy, no more nice prices on public transportation, no more escaping reality, no more making food in the middle of the night, no more going out getting hammered on a Tuesday if I feel like it... You get the picture.
I turned into the responsible part of the population when the paper on my degree came. It is now expected that I get the job of my dreams, find the man of my dreams, the house of my dreams, the dog of my dreams, get a ring on my finger and push out 2.4 kids...
Nah! I refuse to settle my young mind and tie it down to expectations!
I will still fly with my own wings!
